Question
I have a three year old and he can throw tantrums when he gets too tired or frustrated. Although I know tantrums are normal for a three-year-old (he’s my first), the intensity of his feelings worries me a bit. When he is at the height of his anger, he keeps saying, “I want to stop.”
I’m just a little worried that he feels like he can’t control these feelings. Is this part normal?
Besides, what’s the best way to handle him when he’s so angry and upset like that?
Answer
The intensity of a preschooler’s temper tantrum may surprise you. The ferocity and brutality of their emotions can be alarming, even though this is normal for their stage of development. At age three, they are still learning to regulate and manage their intense emotions, and they are usually better able to do this when they start school. It’s important to remember that three-year-olds need help from their parents and caregiver to manage their emotions. By listening, being warm and calming, you help them learn over time to understand and manage their feelings.
Also, it’s completely normal for your three-year-old to “want to stop” a tantrum but doesn’t know how and it’s good that he can tell you because it’s the start of emotional literacy. . By being reassuring and understanding you will help him cope. Below are some additional ideas on how you can respond and help your son deal with his emotions.
Stay calm
If you react or get angry when your son throws a tantrum, it may make things worse. Critical or angry reactions also give your son the message that there is something wrong with these emotions and do not help him to understand them. The key to dealing with a tantrum is therefore to pause and respond calmly. It can be far from easy in the heat of the moment, but you can learn how to do it by stepping back, pausing to breathe, or counting to 10, etc. Although he may get upset, the goal is for you to stay calm and act as a balance to his uncontrollable emotions.
Tune Into Your Son’s Emotions
Take a moment to understand and help her understand her emotions. Showing empathy and putting feelings into words can really help – “you look really upset” or “it’s hard when the toy breaks” or “I know you’re really tired”. Be very understanding if he says “he can’t stop”. For example, you could say “it’s okay…we all get upset sometimes”, “come here and I can help you calm down”.
Soothe your son
Notice what helps your son calm down when he’s upset in a tantrum. Most young children need a reassuring hug and/or a warm, soothing tone to help them process their emotions. Some children might like to be held or cradled gently while you repeat a soothing phrase like “Hush, it’s okay now.” Others like a little space in a quiet corner, close to you and reassuring. Find out what works for your son.
Dealing with a tantrum
You ask in your question what is the best way to handle a tantrum. In truth, it depends on the cause of the anger. While it’s always important to be calm and understanding, different strategies work depending on the cause. For instance:
1) If your son is mad at you because he can’t go out, continuing to talk to him about why he can’t go out may make the tantrum worse. Instead, he might need less conversation and a bit of space to step back. Focusing on an alternative positive choice might help – “You can’t go out, but you can play with your cars”. Positive distractions can work very well with preschoolers.
2) If his anger escalates into a “battle of wills” to change your mind, it’s important to take a break. You might ask him to sit on the couch for a few minutes to calm down – “When you’re calm, then we can play.” Make sure your tone is calm and friendly and praise him when he changes his behavior – “Good boy, now we can play with cars”.
3) However, if your son is too tired or overwhelmed, a completely different approach is needed. Then he might need a lot of gentle soothing and contact with you. Sitting with him, holding him and soothing him, being warm and patient will all help. It can also be helpful to do a relaxing, low-energy activity with him, such as reading a book together or playing soft, pleasant music in the background to change the mood.
Prevent tantrums in the first place
Finally, take the time to notice the triggers for your son’s tantrums so you can avoid them in the first place. If he’s tired after preschool, set up a relaxing routine for when he comes home with some music and maybe lie on the couch together. If he’s stressed in a crowded supermarket, find a way to avoid picking him up in the first place or go at a quieter time.
If you have to take him to the supermarket, try to make it a fun experience by giving him his own shopping list with three items and having a nice reward at the end.
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John Sharry is Clinical Director of Parents Plus Charity and Adjunct Professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is the author of several books on parenting, including Parenting preschoolers and young children. See www.solutiontalk.ie
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