Question
My husband recently had a heart attack, from which he recovered very well. He has since started seeing a cardiologist who told both of us that although a heart attack was very serious, the one he had was quite mild. He has been obese for over 20 years, his diet is very unhealthy and he eats two dinners a day, one healthy at home and one to take to work. He also eats a fried breakfast a few mornings a week, he smokes and drinks a few pints each evening. He holds a very high position in a well-known company and he works at least 60 hours a week to ensure that he earns all the bonuses he can in his already lucrative position. Our children are raised and we are well off financially. He has absolutely no intention of changing anything about his way of life. Every time I tried to tell him about my concerns, he assured me that it was a mild heart attack and that the medicine will prevent a recurrence. I’m not a doctor but that seems absurd to me. We have very specific retirement plans, but I’m afraid of losing him and that his arrogance will deprive me of a husband and our children of a father, and their future children of a grandfather.
How can I make him understand the meaning?
Answer
We cannot get people to do what we would like them to do, although we have their best interests at heart. What we can do is create interest or motivation for change, but only if the person we want to influence buys into it or can see relevance in it.
Your husband had a seizure – a heart attack – but it didn’t spur him on to a healthy lifestyle, so creating scary scenarios won’t have the effect you want. This means you have to rethink the situation. Is he likely to react to your righteous position by resisting any suggestions you make? Or is it a person who responds to attempts to control it with enormous resistance? You have to be inspired by him, from his point of view.
There’s no point in starting your campaign from your own vantage point because that’s likely to be a long way from where he is. What you said is that he is interested in supporting the family well, and has been driven to work long hours to achieve that goal, so he may be open to seeing a new aspect to provide for the needs, that of being in good health. However, you also say he’s arrogant and that’s a barrier to his openness to engaging with you, so it’s important to investigate that.
Arrogance is often portrayed as overconfidence or an inflated sense of self, but in truth it often masks fear, and in this case it may be a long-standing fear of not being able to change or even a fear of death. The only way to find out is to approach the fear with compassion and curiosity, because challenging it head on will only further increase the barriers of arrogance and rejection. You love him and want to have him in your life for as long as possible, so start by making sure he knows this is your outcome. Do not impose anything on him but ask him patiently what could help him if he took a step towards a healthier life.
Going from obesity to wellness can seem like an insurmountable task, so it’s necessary to have small goals with lots of appreciation. He may need someone other than you (because you are too invested) to be his guide in this area and if so, take a step back and stop watching him while he find the support they need. These supports can be medical, physical (as with a nutritionist or physical trainer) or emotional/psychological.
Our relationship with food is complex and is often deeply rooted in a web of meanings that have ties to our pasts, families and cultures and may require varied interventions. It might help if you tell your husband that you are committed to him regardless of what he decides to do or not do, and you will be there for him if he fails or feels ashamed or shy. ‘he has to start from scratch.
In order to fulfill this commitment, you too will have to work on yourself because your usual answers have not been useful to me. Your desire to help may manifest as control, and you may find it difficult to give it up, as you may feel like you are giving up on her well-being and thus going against all your instincts. However, that might be just what he needs to take responsibility for his own longevity. The Bodywhys organization could be a good support organization for you as they offer expertise as well as support that can help you on this journey.
In the meantime, you might think of goals or adventures (going through the whole Camino-like project) that can get you both excited for your future together.
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